Only 11 Weeks to Go

The Beginning of the End – Excerpts from my emails to family and friends

8/29/11 Last week Mom went to the doctor because she thought she might be getting pneumonia. He gave her antibiotics and scheduled a CT scan. On Tuesday, Mom wasn’t feeling up to par, her back hurt, so instead of going out to eat to celebrate her 91st, Jeff’s 33rd, and Barrett’s 10th birthday, we brought dinner in to her. On Wednesday she was feeling somewhat better. Today we went to the doctor to get the results of last week’s CT scan. It turns out that there is a large tumor, and several other spots, in her lungs, that weren’t in last year’s scan. The biopsy process could dangerous, as well as painful. She, as well as her doctors, agree it would be better to not treat this aggressively…the “cure” being worse than the disease..with no good end in sight, and it’s a question of “quality” of life. The doctor says its a matter of months, two – three, but then comes the standard, “I’m not God, and don’t really know.” They have promised to keep her comfortable, as the disease progresses. Home hospice help is being discussed. She feels that she has had a good 91 years, with lots of things to celebrate, including her family, her grandson, her great-grandchildren, and her wonderful friends. She’s been relatively healthy and active for all her years…still driving, using her computer and learning to use her Nook. Her spirits are good and she has not lost her sense of humor. She’s not ready to go yet, and is making plans…not to clean closets, of course, but we decided that she had better get busy labeling old photographs, as she’s the last one who knows the people and places in them. She’s planning on getting her haircut, so she can tape some stories. A little vanity never hurts.

9/14/11 Mom’s had a rough week, but appears to be picking up again. She’s getting excellent attention from the hospice people. She’s had a doctor and nurse team come to the house to check on her. They stayed for over 2 hours just getting to know her. They exchanged lots of stories, in addition to giving her medical attention. It seems like she picked up thrush mouth again. She had it the last time she was in the hospital (about 1.5 years ago) At that time, it caused her pain and translated into not being able to eat, losing weight, etc. I thought that could really be her downfall, not the pneumonia she was being treated for. Again, she was in pain and began to use the pain killers, not for her back, but for her mouth. Her back doesn’t seem to be a problem, at this point. At least the thrush was caught earlier this time, and she was given antibiotics. Finally, today when I called her from school she said that she was feeling good. First time in a while, she sounded good and said she was able to eat more comfortably. Now maybe she’ll get better use out of the fridge and microwave that Jeff put into her den, so she wouldn’t have to walk so far for drinks and snacks. Not only has hospice sent in the dr. / nurse team, they have her medications delivered to her. They also sent in a social worker who is helping her with her insurance claims, has gotten the library to send her books to her house, and has made arrangements for meals to be delivered, etc. She now has an LPN coming daily, who makes her breakfast and lunch, in addition to helping her bathe. etc. Their help and attention, makes it easier for me to go to work. She really has been enjoying the weekend company and really perks up when you visit. She is looking forward to seeing Lainie and Ron this weekend and Stuart and Helene next. Your visits, in person and on SKYPE, really give her something to look forward to, and brighten her days. For that, I thank you all.

10/7/11 Well, today wasn’t a good day. Mom’s been rallying when company comes, and has had many good visits and lots of laughs. Today, however, when the hospice nurse came she wasn’t happy with my mom’s condition. Sometime last night, after I had left, she wasn’t feeling well and began to cough up lots of crap. She didn’t get much sleep and continued coughing while the nurse was there. I got a call at school saying the nurse felt she shouldn’t be home alone, and we should take this weekend to discuss what type of placement we could afford. A short while later the phone call was that they’d be taking her to the actual hospice facility to give us a chance to make some kind of arrangements, while she’d be getting care 24/7. I spoke with mom and she was ok with that. Once she got there, throwing up the whole trip, they decided to change her meds and get her more comfortable. By the time I got to hospice, she was sleeping comfortably. She finally awoke and said she was tired and just wanted to sleep…permanently We talked a bit and joked…still has a sense of humor..but I couldn’t really perk her up. The medical consensus is that the end is just weeks away..especially since she’s tired of fighting. I told her I understood her feelings, and want what’s best for her. I’ll be hurt no matter when, but there’s just no need for her to be miserable and suffer. Maybe when I get there tomorrow, she will rally again, or maybe I’m just being the eternal optimist, again. Should she become well enough to come home, I will have to look into 24/7 care. I think I made some headway with her insurance company today, but that was before the calls and her transfer. Now the situation has changed, and I will have to call again on Monday. Wish me luck !

10/8/11 T’was a beautiful day, here in Las Vegas!!! in every sense of the word. The air was crystal clear, the mountains so visible, the snow on top of Mt. Charleston glistened. The temperature was in the high 60s…just amazing. I turned on my fireplace this morning, just to get the chill out. I was taking care of several chores when at 10:30 the phone was ringing. Couldn’t be my mother, as she doesn’t get up until 12 or 1, and hoping it wasn’t hospice…but alas the cheery voice was indeed my mom. She was awake and feeling “good” and issuing orders…no please, just bring me…some nightgowns, my crossword puzzle book, some books to read, my phone books, etc. I wasn’t even upset with the lack of “could you” or “please” etc. After yesterday, I was just thrilled to hear her voice. It’s rally time, once again. Maybe it’s the fact that the nurses can counteract any bad symptom she complains about. My stomach hurts = take this. I’m nauseous = take this, my jaw hurts = take this, etc. She even woke up hungry…ate some cream of wheat and a cup of coffee. What a major biggie! That was it until late in the afternoon when another breakthrough…ate a cup of ice-cream…even enjoyed it. We were having wonderful conversations. The nurse came to give her a bath, but decided to wait since we were having such a good time. Then, since we’re expecting her to come back home, she told me to go to her house and make sure the upstairs, which is never used, would be in good enough condition for a “live-in” helper. She can no longer stay by herself, so 24/7 is a must. And so it was… the nurse returned for her bath, and I obediently went to her house to ready it for her return. Several hours later, mom called again. She had taken a nap, and was letting me know she was tired but ok. Mrs. Ostrich, that’s me, remains the eternal optimist, but is taking one day at a time a little more seriously now. Yes, t’was a beautiful day here in Las Vegas. I’m hoping yours was too.

10/10/11 It’s always so much more fun passing on good news!

Ah, we had another good day today. I took off from school. Can’t seem to want to be there. Got a lot accomplished. Dropped off some paperwork that was due. Got my car registered. Visited and got good news about my mother. She looks better…sounds better…but is weaker when standing up. She’ll be coming home on Wednesday at 6 pm. Tomorrow we will be setting up her bedroom, at home, with a hospital bed, so it will be easier for her to get on and off. She will also be getting a table that goes over the bed, so she can eat more comfortably. And, a wheelchair…so she’ll be able to sit outside without becoming exhausted getting there and back. Weather’s been absolutely perfect. Additionally, she will have help 24/7. I knew we had an upstairs for a reason. We can all rest easier!

She enjoyed SKYPEing with everyone yesterday. She wants to do it again. If you’ve got SKYPE, let me know your name so we can connect. Mine is suekmccall. ( mccall is the name of my school ) We will probably be able to do it on Saturday and/or Sunday. Pick a date and a time, and let me know. We are eager to please.

Thanks for all those prayers! Something seems to be working.

10/16/11 The sad news is Mom passed away yesterday afternoon,10/15/11, at 2:05 pm. The good news is, she died peacefully, without much suffering, at home. Arrangements won’t be completed until Monday morning, due to the military cemetery’s non-office hours on the weekend. I will keep you posted, as I get more information.

Up until the very end, Mom had her full faculties, and sense of humor. She died “her way.” Two weeks ago she told me that she was planning to die in the middle of October…how much more middle can you get…the 15th. Her reasoning was, “it was too expensive for people to fly to Las Vegas during the holiday season.” Forget all the discussions we had about that…teasingly I suggested that Halloween would be better, and she could be a ghost – Casper the friendly ghost. We laughed until she decided she just might rather be a witch. Remember that on Halloween, when you see/interact/feed, etc ghosts and witches. Oddly, as I was looking for some paperwork, I found a witch’s hat sitting on the papers I needed.

Equally strange, she knew my dear friend Sue, from NY, was coming in on October 15th. For weeks we talked about how excited I was to be seeing her, and the Elvis show we’d be attending. She emphatically made me promise, I’d keep that date. On October 14, she brought it up again. I wasn’t sure how things were going, but promised yet again, as she pushed the “make me feel guilty” button, as only she could. Everything that had to be done immediately, was done. Everything else has to wait until Monday morning. Jeff and I returned to my house. We fed and played with the dogs. Jeff and I agreed that I should keep my promise, as there was still enough time to meet up with Sue and her family. Sue and I hugged. We cried. We talked. We laughed and cried some more. Two glasses of wine later, a meal at Benihana’s, the Elvis show, and a little gambling thrown in, I returned home exhausted, and finally got an uninterrupted, good night’s sleep. I so needed that evening out! Talk about being “considerate!”

As you all know, Mom had many ups and downs during the last 2 months. Your visits, SKYPEing, cards, phone calls, etc. were the highlights of her day. She could be down yet “rally” when it was company time. She was still quite sharp, and telling many wonderful stories. She had a wonderful time with you all, and was so thrilled you thought enough about her to actually come and call. She had her nurse and me really going on Friday night. We were all laughing so hard. At the end, she said the story she had just told us was made up, to make her life sound more interesting, but I’m not so sure. Guess I’ll have to take it on her word. I can’t tell you how much easier you all made my life. during this difficult time. Your kindness, love and generosity has overwhelmed me. I love you all!

Jeff and I spent Saturday morning with Mom. Although her eyes were closed and she was now taking long, hard breaths, she would squeeze our hands in response to our conversations. Her nurse and the hospice nurse, thought it would be a matter of days, less than a week, before her fight would be over. When Jeff left, I decided to try to call one of Mom’s friends, to tell her the gravity of the situation. I left her room for a minute ..trying locate her phone number. When I returned Mom had already passed. The call I made was to Jeff, telling him to come back. Once again, he is my rock. We were all surprised about how quickly and quietly she went. That part was a blessing.

Thanks so much for being there for us. When you face a difficult time, you realize how truly important the support of family and friends really is.
I love you all!

10/30/11 The rest is history. Mom’s funeral was held on Thursday, October 20th. as she died peacefully, eleven weeks after her diagnosis. Thankfully, she really didn’t suffer long. Her journey, in our reality, is now over. My life without her has just begun. It’s gotten off to a rocky and painful start. My heart aches, and feels so empty without her. Her spirit is within me, and I can feel her presence, especially at my most “down” times. She said she’d be with me, and watching over me. I believe that is true. I know I will survive, as will the rest of her family and friends. My strength will come from having had this incredible, warm and loving woman in my life.

Tomorrow is Halloween. Beware of the witches and ghosts who knock on your doors. Be especially kind to them. One just might be…my mother.

RIP, Mom. I love and miss you more than I thought was possible.